I turned forty in 1996 and my life was coming undone. I was saved in 1977 after marrying my college sweetheart. I grew in the faith and was baptized with water and by the Holy Spirit. Eventually, I became a deacon in a smallish church in northern Maine. I led the song services. I sang in the choir. Everything was a joy. But cracks were forming.
I cherished my wife and doted on her since the start. She did not know how to return back the same. I...we...worked through it as long as I stayed strong in the faith. But at that time, I was working 60 hours a week for a software startup that was growing rapidly. I was doing my church work. I was taking nearly a full load at a local college to get my degree in English and History. I coached Little League. I helped my wife's grandfather with a 300+ acre farm and its big farmhouse, which needed constant attention and nine cords of wood to heat each winter. I had trouble saying no to any request.
I did well at juggling all this, but things were coming to a head. Basically, I crashed and burned spiritually. I ran out of gas. And my thoughts were not to the Lord to help me with it all, but the thought that I had given so much, what was in it for me? That last selfish thought was part of my undoing.
My lack of ministrations from my wife made me feel unattractive and unlovable. And then I found the Internet in the early 90s and as a release from the daily tensions started to talk to people on America Online and IRC. It was all just conversation and my wit and writing skills gained me a lot of friends from around the country to talk to. I also found that women were attracted to me. To me? Seriously?
It was a temptation come at one of my weakest hours and with my eyes not on the Lord as they should and by the fact that Christians are horrible about admitting to each other their struggles (we loathe to tell the world that we are not perfect), I fell to the temptation. It was exhilarating to be considered desirable. Maybe I will talk details someday, but they are really not important.
I got caught and was called with my wife to the minister of the church. I needed to step down as deacon. That upset me. But I did not fight it. My wife and I tried counseling and to work it out, but I was not in a place where I could become unbroken again. We finally divorced on my birthday.
I remarried. She remarried. We stayed close for the children's sake. I forgave her. She forgave me. Life moved on. But God moved on without me.
For sixteen years, I did not read the bible or pray regularly. I did not give up on my relationship with God but felt deep down that he had abandoned me and taken his Spirit from me. My prayers rang hollow. I lived a good life and was kind and caring. But I was not where I should have been.
Recently, I had been reading about heaven. And the thought came to my head that I was not sure if I was presented for God that heaven was what would be in store for me. I was not sure about the state of my eternal existence. If that is where you are, that is a scary place because God knows the hours on our heads and also the time of His return to take back the Earth from evil and build a new heaven and a new earth.
I had to drive six hours for a conference. I made a conscious decision to keep the radio off and pray it all out with God. I discovered as I drove that I had people in my past that I had not forgiven. I was remembered of each one and forgave each in Christ's name. Lastly of all, I realized that I had never forgiven myself for what happened with my first wife and how that affected our children, neither of which are walking in the light currently.
I asked God to wash over my sins through the blood of Jesus and in His name. I asked for redemption and the humility to know that I am nothing without God and that there was nothing that I wanted more than to spend eternity in heaven with Him forever praising his name.
To God be the glory, he answered my prayers and I was filled with joy and I knew that I had a second chance to live for Him and in Him. I have endeavored to make him the number one priority in my life and have rediscovered my bible with a fervor I never experienced before. I cannot read enough! My prayers are filled with the Holy Spirit and of the right kind of humility on my part.
My current wife is loved by me greatly and she loves me greatly and she had a shoulder problem that was causing her to loose sleep. She loves the Lord but has trouble believing she is worthy of his salvation. I tell her that no one is worthy and yet He offers it to each.
Anyway, she winced in pain in the kitchen and I was led to go and hold her and I put my hand on her shoulder and prayed in whispers (since she had never heard me pray in tongues) that God would heal her shoulder. After the prayer, she said that my hand got very warm while I prayed. I asked her to move her shoulder. She was healed. Praise God.
During the prayer I felt the Holy Spirit stir in me. The results were confirmation that I was all the way back with God and that He can and will use me again for his purposes.
This new blog is to share with you of my story and my journey and my past for one of two things only. I do not want to glorify myself, for I am nothing without God. But I want to share God's grace to those that read and I want to have readers know that wherever they are in life, God is ready and waiting for you to call upon Him. It is the desire of His heart that all might know eternal life in heaven with Him.
Peace be unto you and may this place be to God's glory and to the good news of his amazing grace.
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