Repenting is a difficult subject for me. Life has always seemed a cycle of doing things I knew I shouldn't followed by guilt and then a crawling back to Jesus. There were several times during the Gospels that Jesus said to those he had just healed to go their way and sin no more. The truth behind that statement is that it is possible to do...with God's help that is. So why were there areas of my life that I simply felt like I could not overcome?
Upon meditating upon the answer to that question, I think it boils down to three things. First, there is a lack of faith that God can help change those situations into those that can glorify Him. The prayer Jesus taught us said in part, "Deliver us from evil." Jesus would not have taught us that prayer if God was incapable of helping us do that or if we were incapable of allowing God to have that victory. We...I...just did not have the faith enough to trust him.
The second thing is a lack of prayer and praise. If we were continually in prayer combined with continual praise, then the Holy Spirit keeps us closer to our walk with God and can lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil. The less I pray and praise, the less I allow his Holy Spirit to work with me and through me to keep me from deviating from the path that I should be walking.
The last thing is that the devil really is dogging us and waiting and trying to trip us up at every opportunity. That snake does not want us to walk with God and feel good about ourselves. His aim is to keep us from staying close to God so that He can become our focus and keep us from falling.
Since my road trip redemption a month ago. I have had some victories. One is pornography. Oh! That dirty little secret! I am convinced that more Christian men are tripped up by pornography and the masturbation it leads to than anything else. The world has made it so easy now. Instead of skulking into a video store when we think no one is looking and risk being caught, it is now at our fingertips and free all over the Internet. I know, because I have been addicted to it for years.
Is this hard to admit? Not really. After all, part of the world's seducing is that everyone snickers at pornography and says everyone does it. How can it be bad when everyone does it? Well, it is. It takes our energy and attention from our loved ones and it puts thoughts in our head of what our intimate life should be like.
And men are seduced via the eyes. No wonder that Jesus said that if your eye offends you to pluck it out. It is a scientific fact that we men see a pretty girl and our heart rate quickens, our pupils dilate and our physiology changes. And the world and Satan knows that. So on every sports page on the Internet, there are pseudo stories about photo shoots of pretty girls to entice us to go and look. Then we are not satisfied with that and on and on it goes.
I am grateful to God that since our road trip together, I have not had one urge to go to a porn site and I have not fallen that way once in the last month. That is not a boast on my part because if I boasted, I would get my ego involved and allow Satan to come in and trip me up. It is to God's glory that he has given me true repentance in this area. I can only do this through Him. And if you knew my secret life, you would know that a month is an incredible amount of time to be away from what was a daily occurrence.
God has also given me a victory on how I view people. I was getting very cynical about people and was always looking for the bad. Now, through God, I view people with more love than I have ever experienced before. This whole redemption act began because I wanted to know that I would spend eternity with God. From that experience, I have come to again know that God desires none would be lost. He sent Jesus to die for ALL of us.
One victory I still need is my addiction to cigarettes. I was introduced to cigarettes when I met my first wife in college. She smoked and when we went to party, I would try it and after a while, I was as smoker too. She grew up in the church and soon after our marriage, she went back to God and quit smoking. I was saved soon after and I remember coming home from work and telling her that I couldn't do it, though I tried. She then asked me a very important question. She asked, "Did you ask God to help you?" I did not.
The next day I quit cold turkey and did not smoke again for twenty years. It was only after things fell apart and I started walking away from God that I started smoking again. And I have been at it for sixteen years since. I hate it really. I hate the way it makes me feel and I hate the way my mouth tastes and feels. But I am addicted.
I have tried twice since my road trip conversion and have failed twice. I still need that victory. It will come. God will help me. I just haven't let Him yet. I report here first when the victory comes.
Like most Christians, I am a work in progress.
Oh victory in Jesus, my savior forever.
He sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood.
He loved me ere I knew Him and all my love is due him.
He plunged me to victory
beneath His cleansing blood.
Amen.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday
One of the things about rediscovering Christ as an older man is that a lifetime of wisdom has been accumulated. Again, before my fall, I was a deacon, so I was no babe in Christ at the time. As such, I expected that old Accuser to attack once I gave my life back to Jesus. And that old snake has been at it pretty hot and heavy.
First, I went through a three-week bout of one of the worst cases of bronchitis I have had in my lifetime. At one point, my wife had to drive me to the hospital because I could not get any air at all. Three IVs and two lung treatments later, they sent me home.
Like many places, we've had a really long winter. And since I live in northern Maine, we also got blasted with snow. While it has not gotten real warm here yet, we have had quite a bit of melting and then a pretty good rain. Flooding has been an issue around here. I have had some water in my basement despite my sump pump going nearly full time. So there was that.
And now, my wife has gone away for a week to visit her son and her granddaughter and I am feeling lonely and a bit blue. My daughter went downstate for the week, so it will just be me for the holiday.
One of the things to figure out with my new walk is where to go to church. I cannot really go to my old one, though that is home to me, because that is the home church of my former wife and her husband. And that is their home and I don't want to be a problem. Besides, I will not ever be in a position where I can do anything meaningful of ministry there. Maybe that is untrue, but that's how I feel.
So where else? I want a church where the Holy Spirit is working. But I am not comfortable in the Pentecostal or Assemblies churches. That takes things further than my comfort level. I don't want a church that is just going through the motions and I certainly don't want a church where the message seems more focused on what not to do and rules rather on preaching the Gospel.
I probably won't go anywhere tomorrow. I need to be disciplined though and spend a good chunk of my time worshiping. It would just be more joyous if that worship was in a group.
I also have problems with Easter as a holiday. The holiday was basically a pagan holiday the church took over in the earliest centuries of its existence. If the day were to be really celebrated correctly, it should begin around the time of the Passover because that is when the Bible tells us the events actually occurred.
And besides, Christians and the church should be celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ every day and every Lord's Day since that is the core belief in who and what we are and what we have to tell to the world.
As a new creation in Christ, the Accuser is trying to take away my new joy. And while that joy has been tested and my prayer life has suffered some, I will not go back on this second chance God has given me. The Lord is good and greatly to be praised.
And I thank Him that he has called to mind a hymn I have been singing all week that says it all for what is our hope and our salvation:
Up from the grave He arose
With a mighty triumph o'er his foes.
He arose a victor from the dark domain
and He lives forever with his saints to reign.
He arose! He arose!
Hallelujah Christ Arose!
First, I went through a three-week bout of one of the worst cases of bronchitis I have had in my lifetime. At one point, my wife had to drive me to the hospital because I could not get any air at all. Three IVs and two lung treatments later, they sent me home.
Like many places, we've had a really long winter. And since I live in northern Maine, we also got blasted with snow. While it has not gotten real warm here yet, we have had quite a bit of melting and then a pretty good rain. Flooding has been an issue around here. I have had some water in my basement despite my sump pump going nearly full time. So there was that.
And now, my wife has gone away for a week to visit her son and her granddaughter and I am feeling lonely and a bit blue. My daughter went downstate for the week, so it will just be me for the holiday.
One of the things to figure out with my new walk is where to go to church. I cannot really go to my old one, though that is home to me, because that is the home church of my former wife and her husband. And that is their home and I don't want to be a problem. Besides, I will not ever be in a position where I can do anything meaningful of ministry there. Maybe that is untrue, but that's how I feel.
So where else? I want a church where the Holy Spirit is working. But I am not comfortable in the Pentecostal or Assemblies churches. That takes things further than my comfort level. I don't want a church that is just going through the motions and I certainly don't want a church where the message seems more focused on what not to do and rules rather on preaching the Gospel.
I probably won't go anywhere tomorrow. I need to be disciplined though and spend a good chunk of my time worshiping. It would just be more joyous if that worship was in a group.
I also have problems with Easter as a holiday. The holiday was basically a pagan holiday the church took over in the earliest centuries of its existence. If the day were to be really celebrated correctly, it should begin around the time of the Passover because that is when the Bible tells us the events actually occurred.
And besides, Christians and the church should be celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ every day and every Lord's Day since that is the core belief in who and what we are and what we have to tell to the world.
As a new creation in Christ, the Accuser is trying to take away my new joy. And while that joy has been tested and my prayer life has suffered some, I will not go back on this second chance God has given me. The Lord is good and greatly to be praised.
And I thank Him that he has called to mind a hymn I have been singing all week that says it all for what is our hope and our salvation:
Up from the grave He arose
With a mighty triumph o'er his foes.
He arose a victor from the dark domain
and He lives forever with his saints to reign.
He arose! He arose!
Hallelujah Christ Arose!
Friday, April 11, 2014
I cut my hair today
I started growing my hair nineteen or twenty years ago. The joke at the time was that my wife (at the time) once said that my two good features were my eyes and my hair. So I wondered why I was putting one of my best features on the barber shop floor every month. But I think it went deeper than that. It was a declaration of independence.
The timing of the hair was just as life started to fall apart. In my mindset back then, I was expending a hundred hours a week for everyone else and was getting nothing in return. It was the thoughts of a man who had listened to the whispers of the devil that I needed to start doing some things for myself, for my own pleasure since no one else seemed concerned whether my needs were met or not.
Of course, you can see the self-pity and ego crying out. I remember actually shaking my fist at Heaven and shouting at the top of my lungs, "WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!!!?"
But just as God said to Paul that His grace was sufficient for Paul, it would have been for me if I had humbly gone to God and asked for His comfort. Even if it was my lot in life not to be fulfilled at home or recognized at work, or respected as a peer by the elderly couple whose property I took care of, God would have given me what I needed for comfort if I had turned to Him.
Instead, I let the whispers begin to have a place in my head. People online told me I deserved better. It was just what I wanted to hear.
So I started growing my hair. I might have fooled myself with that line about my two good features. But it was an ego-grab. It was me declaring that I was going to start living for myself.
The hair worked with my career. After all, long hair kind of goes in the software world. It gave me a look that I enjoyed with my black car and my black wool overcoat. I was a man to be respected. I was the boss. And yeah, it did work for that. But God was missing from this entire equation.
Since I had my road trip with God and rededicated my life to Jesus, the main thing I understand is the need for humility. "Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord, and He will raise you up." My life is not about me. It is not about the respect people have for me or what I get from people or the world. My life is about living a pleasing life for God, which is impossible unless I die to myself and live for Him.
My re-dedication also gave me a thirst for the Word. I have finished the New Testament in two weeks. Somewhere along the way, in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 11, I read, "Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him?"
Now I do not fully believe that the length of a man's hair has much to do with his eternal state, but the heart for Jesus and confession of Jesus as Lord and Savior. But it did get me thinking about my hair. By the way, the hair was eighteen inches down my back.
And what I concluded while I was reflecting in prayer was that I no longer need a declaration of independence. I need a declaration of dependence on the Living Word and on the Blood of Jesus Christ. I am not independent. I am dependent to my wife with love and thanksgiving. I am dependent upon God for His grace and His Spirit.
That conclusion led me to cut my hair. I know it sounds kind of out there, but I took the bundled up ponytail home and will offer it in prayer to God as a sacrifice and a sign of my humility to Him. Then I will send it off to charity for those with cancer that need hair.
Thank you, Jesus, for this new life in you and for leading me with your Spirit.
The timing of the hair was just as life started to fall apart. In my mindset back then, I was expending a hundred hours a week for everyone else and was getting nothing in return. It was the thoughts of a man who had listened to the whispers of the devil that I needed to start doing some things for myself, for my own pleasure since no one else seemed concerned whether my needs were met or not.
Of course, you can see the self-pity and ego crying out. I remember actually shaking my fist at Heaven and shouting at the top of my lungs, "WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!!!?"
But just as God said to Paul that His grace was sufficient for Paul, it would have been for me if I had humbly gone to God and asked for His comfort. Even if it was my lot in life not to be fulfilled at home or recognized at work, or respected as a peer by the elderly couple whose property I took care of, God would have given me what I needed for comfort if I had turned to Him.
Instead, I let the whispers begin to have a place in my head. People online told me I deserved better. It was just what I wanted to hear.
So I started growing my hair. I might have fooled myself with that line about my two good features. But it was an ego-grab. It was me declaring that I was going to start living for myself.
The hair worked with my career. After all, long hair kind of goes in the software world. It gave me a look that I enjoyed with my black car and my black wool overcoat. I was a man to be respected. I was the boss. And yeah, it did work for that. But God was missing from this entire equation.
Since I had my road trip with God and rededicated my life to Jesus, the main thing I understand is the need for humility. "Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord, and He will raise you up." My life is not about me. It is not about the respect people have for me or what I get from people or the world. My life is about living a pleasing life for God, which is impossible unless I die to myself and live for Him.
My re-dedication also gave me a thirst for the Word. I have finished the New Testament in two weeks. Somewhere along the way, in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 11, I read, "Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him?"
Now I do not fully believe that the length of a man's hair has much to do with his eternal state, but the heart for Jesus and confession of Jesus as Lord and Savior. But it did get me thinking about my hair. By the way, the hair was eighteen inches down my back.
And what I concluded while I was reflecting in prayer was that I no longer need a declaration of independence. I need a declaration of dependence on the Living Word and on the Blood of Jesus Christ. I am not independent. I am dependent to my wife with love and thanksgiving. I am dependent upon God for His grace and His Spirit.
That conclusion led me to cut my hair. I know it sounds kind of out there, but I took the bundled up ponytail home and will offer it in prayer to God as a sacrifice and a sign of my humility to Him. Then I will send it off to charity for those with cancer that need hair.
Thank you, Jesus, for this new life in you and for leading me with your Spirit.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Love your neighbor as yourself...Uh oh
In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus was asked about commandments. In Chapter 12, Verses 30 and 31 he answers:
I moved to this neighborhood for the peace and quiet. I was here first. Then this family moved in after and their priorities were different. They love noise. They have every kind of mechanized vehicle one can imagine. The father, mother and four teen children have cars, snowmobiles, ATVs, off road motorcycles. They also love fireworks, which are now legal to buy here. They never simply shut their doors, they slam them. They shout at each other. They constantly work on their machines with much noise. Ugh!
I resented them. One day, one of the boys was driving his motorbike back and forth in his yard while I was trying to gain some joy working on my flowerbeds. The bike stalled and the kid could not get it running again. The other kids were on the deck looking down. One of the other kids asked, "Is it dead?" And I yelled over, "I hope so!" They told me I was mean. They were right, but I felt justified.
Then Mark 12:30-31 hit me between the eyes. I wasn't loving them very much was I? No, I wasn't loving them at all. Now I know that I have to write them a letter and apologize for how I have acted over the years and repent before God. Well, I did repent, but I do have to write that letter.
Thinking about this also made me think of the church in the world. My view before my crash and burn was the same after and the same today. I am no better than anyone else and I take very seriously God's word that I should not look at someone's cinder in their eyes when I have a tree stuck in my own!
And yet, when the world thinks of Christians, what do they think about? What is the worlds' generalization? It's that we live to judge them and think we are better than them. Not exactly the love your neighbor thing in there.
Jesus did not say to love your Christian neighbor. He said to love your neighbor, no matter what their beliefs, lifestyles or anything else. And yet most of what you hear from the church is condemnation of peoples that are not what we feel is Godworthy. Jesus also said that by our love will they know us. We are not known for our love.
Many will argue that the press and media only focuses on the bad about Christians and not the good. That may be true in many cases. But that still means there is bad to talk about. I have often used the analogy of the cave man. If that cave man wanted to woo a wife, wouldn't he do better to make his cave as attractive as possible and make her want to come in? Isn't that a better way than hitting her on the head and dragging her in there and hoping she wouldn't be miserable once she regained consciousness?
And yet, we are often people of head banging. Our way or the highway. Our way or you are bad. Our way or we are better than you.
All humans are in the same boat. Paul writes in Romans that we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. He goes on to say that there is nothing in us to make us able to enter into God's Kingdom. It is only in this Good News that Jesus died on the cross for us and rose up victorious that gives us the remission of sins and his rising from the dead becomes our hope by confessing Him and following Him as Lord and Savior, the Christ.
So if all of us humans are in the same boat, how can we be better than anyone? We need to be humble and thankful and our number one priority is to show people Jesus so that they too can be saved. We cannot be saving people by telling people how awful they are, by taking delight in calling people out for their sins. What we need to do is to present the fallen state of all humans and the Good News of the Gospel of Christ so that they can discover through the Holy Spirit that they too need to repent and accept Jesus as the Savior by confession of Him.
So yeah, this loving your neighbor thing. It's not as easy as it sounds. I have failed with my own neighbors and the church is failing in many ways. But all I can do is to walk my own walk and make it right with those noisemakers across the lawn. That is what God wants me to do and I will do it.
Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord. And He shall lift you up..
AND YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH.' "The second is this, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' There is no other commandment greater than these."Uh oh. After I read this, I had a problem. For several years now, I have lived next to a family that drives me crazy.
I moved to this neighborhood for the peace and quiet. I was here first. Then this family moved in after and their priorities were different. They love noise. They have every kind of mechanized vehicle one can imagine. The father, mother and four teen children have cars, snowmobiles, ATVs, off road motorcycles. They also love fireworks, which are now legal to buy here. They never simply shut their doors, they slam them. They shout at each other. They constantly work on their machines with much noise. Ugh!
I resented them. One day, one of the boys was driving his motorbike back and forth in his yard while I was trying to gain some joy working on my flowerbeds. The bike stalled and the kid could not get it running again. The other kids were on the deck looking down. One of the other kids asked, "Is it dead?" And I yelled over, "I hope so!" They told me I was mean. They were right, but I felt justified.
Then Mark 12:30-31 hit me between the eyes. I wasn't loving them very much was I? No, I wasn't loving them at all. Now I know that I have to write them a letter and apologize for how I have acted over the years and repent before God. Well, I did repent, but I do have to write that letter.
Thinking about this also made me think of the church in the world. My view before my crash and burn was the same after and the same today. I am no better than anyone else and I take very seriously God's word that I should not look at someone's cinder in their eyes when I have a tree stuck in my own!
And yet, when the world thinks of Christians, what do they think about? What is the worlds' generalization? It's that we live to judge them and think we are better than them. Not exactly the love your neighbor thing in there.
Jesus did not say to love your Christian neighbor. He said to love your neighbor, no matter what their beliefs, lifestyles or anything else. And yet most of what you hear from the church is condemnation of peoples that are not what we feel is Godworthy. Jesus also said that by our love will they know us. We are not known for our love.
Many will argue that the press and media only focuses on the bad about Christians and not the good. That may be true in many cases. But that still means there is bad to talk about. I have often used the analogy of the cave man. If that cave man wanted to woo a wife, wouldn't he do better to make his cave as attractive as possible and make her want to come in? Isn't that a better way than hitting her on the head and dragging her in there and hoping she wouldn't be miserable once she regained consciousness?
And yet, we are often people of head banging. Our way or the highway. Our way or you are bad. Our way or we are better than you.
All humans are in the same boat. Paul writes in Romans that we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God. He goes on to say that there is nothing in us to make us able to enter into God's Kingdom. It is only in this Good News that Jesus died on the cross for us and rose up victorious that gives us the remission of sins and his rising from the dead becomes our hope by confessing Him and following Him as Lord and Savior, the Christ.
So if all of us humans are in the same boat, how can we be better than anyone? We need to be humble and thankful and our number one priority is to show people Jesus so that they too can be saved. We cannot be saving people by telling people how awful they are, by taking delight in calling people out for their sins. What we need to do is to present the fallen state of all humans and the Good News of the Gospel of Christ so that they can discover through the Holy Spirit that they too need to repent and accept Jesus as the Savior by confession of Him.
So yeah, this loving your neighbor thing. It's not as easy as it sounds. I have failed with my own neighbors and the church is failing in many ways. But all I can do is to walk my own walk and make it right with those noisemakers across the lawn. That is what God wants me to do and I will do it.
Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord. And He shall lift you up..
A new beginning
I turned forty in 1996 and my life was coming undone. I was saved in 1977 after marrying my college sweetheart. I grew in the faith and was baptized with water and by the Holy Spirit. Eventually, I became a deacon in a smallish church in northern Maine. I led the song services. I sang in the choir. Everything was a joy. But cracks were forming.
I cherished my wife and doted on her since the start. She did not know how to return back the same. I...we...worked through it as long as I stayed strong in the faith. But at that time, I was working 60 hours a week for a software startup that was growing rapidly. I was doing my church work. I was taking nearly a full load at a local college to get my degree in English and History. I coached Little League. I helped my wife's grandfather with a 300+ acre farm and its big farmhouse, which needed constant attention and nine cords of wood to heat each winter. I had trouble saying no to any request.
I did well at juggling all this, but things were coming to a head. Basically, I crashed and burned spiritually. I ran out of gas. And my thoughts were not to the Lord to help me with it all, but the thought that I had given so much, what was in it for me? That last selfish thought was part of my undoing.
My lack of ministrations from my wife made me feel unattractive and unlovable. And then I found the Internet in the early 90s and as a release from the daily tensions started to talk to people on America Online and IRC. It was all just conversation and my wit and writing skills gained me a lot of friends from around the country to talk to. I also found that women were attracted to me. To me? Seriously?
It was a temptation come at one of my weakest hours and with my eyes not on the Lord as they should and by the fact that Christians are horrible about admitting to each other their struggles (we loathe to tell the world that we are not perfect), I fell to the temptation. It was exhilarating to be considered desirable. Maybe I will talk details someday, but they are really not important.
I got caught and was called with my wife to the minister of the church. I needed to step down as deacon. That upset me. But I did not fight it. My wife and I tried counseling and to work it out, but I was not in a place where I could become unbroken again. We finally divorced on my birthday.
I remarried. She remarried. We stayed close for the children's sake. I forgave her. She forgave me. Life moved on. But God moved on without me.
For sixteen years, I did not read the bible or pray regularly. I did not give up on my relationship with God but felt deep down that he had abandoned me and taken his Spirit from me. My prayers rang hollow. I lived a good life and was kind and caring. But I was not where I should have been.
Recently, I had been reading about heaven. And the thought came to my head that I was not sure if I was presented for God that heaven was what would be in store for me. I was not sure about the state of my eternal existence. If that is where you are, that is a scary place because God knows the hours on our heads and also the time of His return to take back the Earth from evil and build a new heaven and a new earth.
I had to drive six hours for a conference. I made a conscious decision to keep the radio off and pray it all out with God. I discovered as I drove that I had people in my past that I had not forgiven. I was remembered of each one and forgave each in Christ's name. Lastly of all, I realized that I had never forgiven myself for what happened with my first wife and how that affected our children, neither of which are walking in the light currently.
I asked God to wash over my sins through the blood of Jesus and in His name. I asked for redemption and the humility to know that I am nothing without God and that there was nothing that I wanted more than to spend eternity in heaven with Him forever praising his name.
To God be the glory, he answered my prayers and I was filled with joy and I knew that I had a second chance to live for Him and in Him. I have endeavored to make him the number one priority in my life and have rediscovered my bible with a fervor I never experienced before. I cannot read enough! My prayers are filled with the Holy Spirit and of the right kind of humility on my part.
My current wife is loved by me greatly and she loves me greatly and she had a shoulder problem that was causing her to loose sleep. She loves the Lord but has trouble believing she is worthy of his salvation. I tell her that no one is worthy and yet He offers it to each.
Anyway, she winced in pain in the kitchen and I was led to go and hold her and I put my hand on her shoulder and prayed in whispers (since she had never heard me pray in tongues) that God would heal her shoulder. After the prayer, she said that my hand got very warm while I prayed. I asked her to move her shoulder. She was healed. Praise God.
During the prayer I felt the Holy Spirit stir in me. The results were confirmation that I was all the way back with God and that He can and will use me again for his purposes.
This new blog is to share with you of my story and my journey and my past for one of two things only. I do not want to glorify myself, for I am nothing without God. But I want to share God's grace to those that read and I want to have readers know that wherever they are in life, God is ready and waiting for you to call upon Him. It is the desire of His heart that all might know eternal life in heaven with Him.
Peace be unto you and may this place be to God's glory and to the good news of his amazing grace.
I cherished my wife and doted on her since the start. She did not know how to return back the same. I...we...worked through it as long as I stayed strong in the faith. But at that time, I was working 60 hours a week for a software startup that was growing rapidly. I was doing my church work. I was taking nearly a full load at a local college to get my degree in English and History. I coached Little League. I helped my wife's grandfather with a 300+ acre farm and its big farmhouse, which needed constant attention and nine cords of wood to heat each winter. I had trouble saying no to any request.
I did well at juggling all this, but things were coming to a head. Basically, I crashed and burned spiritually. I ran out of gas. And my thoughts were not to the Lord to help me with it all, but the thought that I had given so much, what was in it for me? That last selfish thought was part of my undoing.
My lack of ministrations from my wife made me feel unattractive and unlovable. And then I found the Internet in the early 90s and as a release from the daily tensions started to talk to people on America Online and IRC. It was all just conversation and my wit and writing skills gained me a lot of friends from around the country to talk to. I also found that women were attracted to me. To me? Seriously?
It was a temptation come at one of my weakest hours and with my eyes not on the Lord as they should and by the fact that Christians are horrible about admitting to each other their struggles (we loathe to tell the world that we are not perfect), I fell to the temptation. It was exhilarating to be considered desirable. Maybe I will talk details someday, but they are really not important.
I got caught and was called with my wife to the minister of the church. I needed to step down as deacon. That upset me. But I did not fight it. My wife and I tried counseling and to work it out, but I was not in a place where I could become unbroken again. We finally divorced on my birthday.
I remarried. She remarried. We stayed close for the children's sake. I forgave her. She forgave me. Life moved on. But God moved on without me.
For sixteen years, I did not read the bible or pray regularly. I did not give up on my relationship with God but felt deep down that he had abandoned me and taken his Spirit from me. My prayers rang hollow. I lived a good life and was kind and caring. But I was not where I should have been.
Recently, I had been reading about heaven. And the thought came to my head that I was not sure if I was presented for God that heaven was what would be in store for me. I was not sure about the state of my eternal existence. If that is where you are, that is a scary place because God knows the hours on our heads and also the time of His return to take back the Earth from evil and build a new heaven and a new earth.
I had to drive six hours for a conference. I made a conscious decision to keep the radio off and pray it all out with God. I discovered as I drove that I had people in my past that I had not forgiven. I was remembered of each one and forgave each in Christ's name. Lastly of all, I realized that I had never forgiven myself for what happened with my first wife and how that affected our children, neither of which are walking in the light currently.
I asked God to wash over my sins through the blood of Jesus and in His name. I asked for redemption and the humility to know that I am nothing without God and that there was nothing that I wanted more than to spend eternity in heaven with Him forever praising his name.
To God be the glory, he answered my prayers and I was filled with joy and I knew that I had a second chance to live for Him and in Him. I have endeavored to make him the number one priority in my life and have rediscovered my bible with a fervor I never experienced before. I cannot read enough! My prayers are filled with the Holy Spirit and of the right kind of humility on my part.
My current wife is loved by me greatly and she loves me greatly and she had a shoulder problem that was causing her to loose sleep. She loves the Lord but has trouble believing she is worthy of his salvation. I tell her that no one is worthy and yet He offers it to each.
Anyway, she winced in pain in the kitchen and I was led to go and hold her and I put my hand on her shoulder and prayed in whispers (since she had never heard me pray in tongues) that God would heal her shoulder. After the prayer, she said that my hand got very warm while I prayed. I asked her to move her shoulder. She was healed. Praise God.
During the prayer I felt the Holy Spirit stir in me. The results were confirmation that I was all the way back with God and that He can and will use me again for his purposes.
This new blog is to share with you of my story and my journey and my past for one of two things only. I do not want to glorify myself, for I am nothing without God. But I want to share God's grace to those that read and I want to have readers know that wherever they are in life, God is ready and waiting for you to call upon Him. It is the desire of His heart that all might know eternal life in heaven with Him.
Peace be unto you and may this place be to God's glory and to the good news of his amazing grace.
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